"Bartending for all you fucks, Jesus! It takes more patience than I possess. So, thanks everyone you've made me a raging drunk! –C. 6/21/05
P.S. Get Stuffed"

"Michael Jackson has impacted my life in profound ways. When I was 7 my mom bought me MJ's Thriller. When I saw the Thriller video on MTV I developed a psychotic disorder. When the dead guys would rise from the dead it would send me into a seizure. I was put on some zoloft and it made me better. When MJ's "Bad" album came out I started to like the Boston Red Sox. Both of them were very disappointing. The Red Sox sucked and Michael Jackson turned out to be a child molester. I was very disappointed in both. But then things changed. The Red Sox won the world series and MJ was aquitted. But the damage was done. Due to many depressing years of playoff loss and ever changing skin color of MJ I turned into a manic depressant. Now I smoke rocks and suck cocks to make myslef feel satisfied. With the cigarette market going down, the price of rocks has remained steady therefore I still get more bang for my buck! (unsigned)"

"When he left I thought, how do I do this? How do I envision a life without you in it? Then tonight I woke up. I saw someone I've been interested in forever and he is also (after all this time) alone. Now theres hope. There are still people out there. The only thing you can garantee in life is change. So count on it. Maybe that change will bring you to a place you never knew you needed to be. (unsigned)"

"One thing I can say had a major impact on my life was having a daughter and putting her up for adoption. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life, but also the best. She is beautiful and perfect and I know she is being well taken care of. I stay in contact with her and the adoptive parents, who I'm very close with. I wish things could have been different because I miss her everyday of my life, but she has things I could never provide. I did it because I love her so much. (unsigned)"

"When I was a child I almost never spoke to anyone. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was afraid of what people were thinking, but really I thought it wasn't worth it. Going to catholic school with a bunch of homophobic racist assholes simply did not spurn me into conversation. I read a lot of books and had imaginary conversations with fictional characters in my head. Then the impossible happened. Even though I had a scholarship to the local catholic high school I convinced my parents that 8 years of socio emotional hell was quite enough. They agreed to send me to public highschool. At first I was as quiet at my new school as I had been previously. One day however I decided enough was enough and broke the damm. I saw a girl in my gym class who was wearing chucks that were drawn all over. I liked that so I approached her and said... "The woman who lives down the street from me killed herself last night. She locked herself in the garage with the car on. When I turn 16 my dad is going to get me an old mustang." This is perhaps not the best way to start a friendship, but it worked. We became best friends through school and are stilll close. Her 3rd child is my godson. And of course as the joke goes I started talking that day and haven't stopped since. That moment made a difference to me and my life because it was that moment when I became the person I still am today. –M. S."

"I GUESS THE MOST AFFECTED MY LIFE WAS WHEN I FOUND MYSELF LYING NAKED IN BED WIHT MY BROTHER. THAT WAS ALL AND GOOD I GUESS, BUT AFTER WE FOUND SEVERAL USED CONDOMS IN BED WITH US WE FREAKED. IF THAT WAS THE WORST, I MIGHT STILL BE ABLE TO DEAL AFTER YEARS OF COUNSELING, BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE. YES. IT'S BETTER. NOW I'M LATE AND YOU GUESSED IT, PREGNANT, NEEDLESS TO SAY ABORTION WAS NECESSARY AND NOW I'M THE PERMANENT D.D.. NO ALCOHOL NOT EVER AGAIN – M.E."

"Although I cannot recall precisely when the first time I saw it was, Star Wars has irrevocably altered my life. It taught me that true happiness lies in asceticism, the removal of oneself from passion, anger, and material desires as Yoda points out, "luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." The Jedi seek not adventure, or excitement, rather, they quest for enlightenment. They seek not to control the force, but to be vessels through which the force can conduct itself. Furthermore, the archtypel villain of the saga, Darth Vader, is not an acively evil being, he is instead a moral vacuum, a hollow vessel controlled by the will of the Emperor. This is especially poignant because it shows that anyone can be seduced by evil (the Dark Side), no one is born so. Evil, then in this context, is rather banal and beaurocratic. Finally, the true brilliance of Star Wars lies in the fact that the "bad guys" follow the Dark Side of the Force, but the Jedi do not follow the "light side"; they embrace the force as a whole, both dark and light. They do not give in to their anger, they channel it in moderation, using it only for defense in the direst of circumstances. I am, most certainly, a Jedi, like my father before me. -A.W.

“Music is the eye to the soul - it bears joy, heartache, laughter and pain. There is truth in music. o those who can't speak, music is their words. To those who can't hear, rythm is their ears and to those lost so deep within themselves they seem unreachable, music is the arms and hands that touch their souls. Don't just hear music, feel music, love music. -PLG

“He is a little boy who likes little boy games like playing with toys and eating popsicles. Senior Michael likes to play on the swings with little friends. He likes Muffin tops, thats why we call him "Senior Little", we also call him "Those Michaels", which turned into "Dose", which turned into "Dose Muffin". He is a little boy named "Dose Muffin". My name is J. L.”

“...So, I have decided at the young age of twenty-four, that when I turn sixty-four I will never hold anything back. We go through life trying to be courteous and nice, but when you get old, I figure who the fuck cares! I'm going to tell my wife she is fat, if she asks. "Was the service good here at Spence?" Last time yes, but tonight the waiters sucked, where is he so I can tell him Walk into a clothing store and get asked "can I help you?" No, I'm sixty-four and I need socks, stop fucking following me around, I know what I came for. It sounds dumb, but that's the way it'll be. –S.”

“Despite years of contestation, we have finally learned the official rules to table shuffleboard. unfortunately, our former understanding of the game was highly flawed. According to the informational pamphlet, it is a game of shut-outs. Every round, either one team scores, or the other. This method of play stands in stark opposition to our previous method, which involved large point tallies for all sorts of things, including utter failure to put the shuttle in any worthwhile position. The game is better than us, we are worse than the game.”

-(unsigned)_

“40 yards to the Outhouse, by W. M. They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Well, I've been to the other side and it rained a lot. I fucking hate rain, though it did make the grass greener, but I had to go back to the other side. It didn't seem as bad after that. ...This world continues to confuse me. I don't know why we're here or how to explain most things. Religion has no meaning to me, but I do love watching TV. There are lots of great things in this world; Nature, inventions in technology, girls...but it's still strange. People expect epiphanies and miracles, but I find miracles all around, even when I'm sitting at a bar. The vodka tonic in front of me stays on the table. That's amazing, that's gravity...it's not only cool, it's he law. But anyway, I love bars. They take you away from the "real world". Alcohol, I love, eople watching, music, photo hunt, good conversation...I'm still confused, so I'm just going to ruder another drink and take a piss... –S. 1-6-05”

“I hope the person that tried to borrow two dollars for train fare doesn't do any damage to my car! We are pretty sure he is a bum who wanted money for beer. He said he needed 2 dollars for train ride to Upper Darby. Nobody borrows money for a train TO Upper Darby. –M. H.”

“Don't cry for me, if I die in the sea. Being a surfer is what I was meant to be. It is the most spontanious act, or involvement in a natural medium. She is the one true mother, the giver of life. Step into her and you will be obsolved of your strife. I was born to be taken by the Sea... -by H. D. B.”

“In my thirty plus years in going to bars, nothing struck me as much as the thong underwear movement. I remember my first experience. I was in a quiet pub in Philly, minding my own business, drinking a Guinness. I had been chatting with the bartender about politics, always a bar no-no, but we went at it anyway. He was a friend of mine, a republican friend, but a friend none-the-less. He was going on about some tax cut "BS", when I turned and saw this excellent looking girl looking through the song selection on the cd juke box. She was about 5'11", long dark red hair and a face full of sexy freckles, she was bobbing her head to the song, which was playing and making her choice. Just as she went to put her money in the slot, the dollar slipped from her hand and sailed gently to the ground. She looked down at it for a second and then bent over to pick it up. I watched her look down and then she bent over, of course I was just watching to see er gorgeous ass, in those tight blue slacks she was wearing, but what I got was a glimpse of something that was to be the benchmark for all my future perverted bar oggle sessions. Her slacks slipped below her waist and up popped two thin strands of red silk that came together at a meshey heart shaped peice of fabric just above the crack of her perfect ass. It was like the world had finally been shown to me for what it truly was. She retrieved the dollar, stood up, and inserted it to play her songs. She gave her pants a slight tug on either side as she walked away to pull them up. From that day on I have been on a quest to get that same thrill everytime I go to a bar. It doesn't happen everytime, it doesn't even happen every other time, but when it does appen you better believe it's something that stays etched in my mind forever. God bless America, and it's beautiful thong clad women. -K. C.